I've really been enjoying the Hulu series based on the book, The Handmaiden's Tale. It's very well done and expands on the story, and is timely, almost surreal at times. But it's not an "easy" story to watch, it's a dystopian future where women have lost all their power and fertile women are kept as breeding stock. In one of the most recent episodes, it is revealed that, despite their conservative & strict morals, they have kept a building (called Jezebels) full of sex workers--so the men can still get their pleasure and they can treat foreign visitors to pleasures they are accustomed to.
It's been hard to admit it, but I have this submissive "kept woman" kind of fantasy that this series keeps hitting. As much as I want to be seen as a strong and independent woman (and I'm certainly wild and undomesticated) I also enjoy feeling the desires of men, and I enjoy surrendering to it. It's almost a fetish for me, as most of my fantasies involve some sort of objectification and submissive lean to it.
Occasionally, I'll be asked "But what do *you* want?" or "Show me how to please you?" And my mind goes blank for this....because the answer that I really want to give is not the answer they want. What I want is to be taken and played with like someone's sex doll. I get off on the desire and passion that I feel from him. I get off on the energy that builds from our play, and it doesn't really matter *what* is going on, so long as he is really enjoying himself.
Sometimes its hard to talk about when someone is trying to give me direct pleasure. I want to please them, and they are wanting to please me....it's like getting caught in a feedback loop, and I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that. I guess speaking to it here is the first step.